Big questions

by Mrs. Smith on June 13, 2020

Such big questions we face.

One that surfaced for me this morning has been a subject of curiosity for me for years.

How does an abuser transform
at a deep, deep level,
so that they are no longer
a person who will hurt others?

I’m convinced it’s a God thing.

As I was working through the depths of some intense PTSD, that was a question I pondered on frequently, because forgiving abusers is huge, and when that forgiveness goes deep, you genuinely want them to be okay… But that involves them changing radically.

(Should probably be noted that I don’t know the people who caused me trauma.)

The abuser doesn’t feel the damage they’re inflicting.
The abuser is doing what they’re doing for some kind of personal gain. Often they’re numbing pain they don’t want to acknowledge.
They clearly don’t care at all about the person they’re hurting, and it doesn’t hurt them personally in a way they can recognize.

What kind of wakeup do they need in order to change?

I don’t know the answer, but I’m guessing it will involve a lot of Divine Intervention and a lot of learning compassion. At some point they will have to see the pain they’ve caused. They will feel sorrow and remorse. That part will not be fun at all.

So, hey, White People. Guess what.

I know we all like to be good guys, but what if by default, just because of the way society is set up — you aren’t?

What if BIPOC are hurting because of us?

No, not because of me, you’re thinking. I’m a nice person. I grew up believing we’re all equals. I was taught to treat everyone the same. I was taught to love God, be honest, respect others. Etc etc etc.

Yeah, I get it. I thought that, too.

But I grew up in a society that worships good looking, thin, white-skinned people. I grew up where it was OBVIOUS in the television shows and movies I watched that there was a “token Black person.”

A token. Black. person.

Like they had to throw them in there to remind us that they were there.

You really think that didn’t have a subtle, brainwashing effect on me?
You really think that for people growing up as a Black person in America, my sweet little life of being a “nice person” is going to combat the racist culture we’re in?

If my niceness ends before trying to understand what they’re going through, it isn’t very nice.
If my niceness ends before at least considering that I’ve been part of the problem, it’s pretty hurtful.

You can argue with anyone you like about how you aren’t an abuser. And I’m sure you’re right… based on what your map of reality says. That’s great. Good job. Someone else jumping to tell you otherwise is likely not going to work, so I won’t waste my words on it.

The Black Lives Matter movement is asking for more, though. They are calling for the end of White supremacy.  I sincerely hope and I truly believe it is going to happen. Why?

Because Black people are fully owning that they ARE equal, and they are talking about their pain. That is going to change the relationship they have with White people.

They are calling it out. White supremacy as sick and wrong, and they’re right. All these White-people-who-aren’t-racist agree… but many of them don’t really know what it means.

If you don’t understand that our society has subtle-to-White-people threads of racism running all through it, none of this is going to make much sense. If you don’t understand that those threads of racism create racists… and that it happens in America and all over the globe… Well, all I can do is encourage you to listen more. Keep your mind open to that possibility.

White people benefit from a situation where their skin color gets preference over another.


It’s so wrong. And unless lots and lots of White people stand up and vocalize how wrong it is, the change that’s coming will be slow and painful.

So. How does someone who’s benefited from a situation that’s hurting someone else but they didn’t recognize it, transform into someone who will recognize those situations and change them?

How does someone shift from being part of a dominant/subordinate group dynamic, to being in a group of equals?

Wouldn’t it be great to find out???

PS: I’m pretty sure the answer involves love.
PPS: I’m pretty sure love listens, owns up to mistakes, and works to repair them.

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