by Mrs. Smith on January 26, 2021

I just went back and read through some of my life’s significant content from Jan/Feb 2020.

That was *before* the world went crazy in reactions to the presence of a new virus.

On January 4th that year, I learned one final piece about what was going on with me and PTSD and DID and all the things. It made all the difference in the world, and it marked just an unspeakably huge leap in my finding access to joy.

On January 18th, there was a significant change.

On February 8, another significant change, and on Feb 10, just in time for my birthday, bam.

Complete resolution of all the things.

I spent the rest of February in a state of shock, and the whole month of March in deep, deep, deep, isolation/loneliness. It was peaceful and happy, but there are no words for how alone I felt. There was not a single soul I felt like I could talk with, and when I tried, words failed me. What I’d gone through up until Feb 10 was so difficult, the pandemic felt like a cakewalk, and I’m not even kidding.

Even now, life only feels hard on the days where I forget where I’ve been. I definitely benefit from that friend I have who has a knack for throwing out things like, “Girl, you’ve overcome way worse than this.”

Right! I forgot.

At this point, looking back over it all, the only place that telling the whole story feels comfortable would be in some bizarre sci-fi novel. I could write it all out, exactly as it happened, and it would be something I would LOVE to read, but would not ever believe could actually happen.

So. Combing back through that content is fascinating. A little masochistic of me, maybe, but it’s like every time I go back and look at it, I leave with even more reverence & gratitude for being here, now.

Thank goodness for every word I wrote through all of that, and through the rest of 2020 as I processed what happened. I know I didn’t capture all the important moments, for sure, but what I have is better than nothing.

I guess what I want to come on here to say is this.

If you are going through something so incredibly hard that you don’t think you can take another moment…
If it’s dragged on for years, and it seems like there’s no end in sight…

I hear you.
I see you.

You and your journey are incalculably valuable.
I hope you find what you need to make whateveritis better.

For what it’s worth, I carried a belief that God would walk with me and lead me to truth and healing, and They did. That belief served me well – even through the time where I accepted that it might never really get better in the way that I wanted it to.

And here’s a thought.

If your determination to stick with it overcomes the temptation to give up,
and if someday you do in fact discover that this hard part is miraculously behind you,
or if someday you find that even though the hard part is still with you, it isn’t crushing you like it did at first,
then hey, guess what. EVERYTHING after that is likely to feel pretty dang easy.

That’s a side-effect for overcoming *really* hard things.

The other silver lining is that you can be there for other people who are going through *really* hard things. It’s pretty obvious if the most challenging thing that’s ever happened to you was Amazon losing a package. Empathy from those sweet souls just doesn’t cut it when you’re in the trenches.


Life is good.

Carry on.

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